Jokes

Why did the scarecrow get promoted? He was outstanding in his field.

Did you hear of the man who drowned in his muesli? He was pulled in by a strong current.

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

When you slap Dwayne Johnson’s ass, you know you’ve hit rock bottom.

A homeless man asked me for money the other day. I thought "I don't really want this money going on drugs, alcohol and gambling", so I gave it to him.

Why don't ducks move during surgery? Anasfreeziology.

Why did the car have a flat tyre? There was a fork in the road.

What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce? Chicken sees a salad.

Why did Jesus seek out the devils? Because he wanted to see Man Utd.

What's the best present you can get? Broken drums... you can't beat 'em.

Quotes

Give the user enough rope to shoot themselves in the foot.

The only Zen you find on tops of mountains is the Zen you bring there.

If you see a good move, look for a better one.

You're 32 years old and you've achieved nothing; Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33, you better get cracking.

Never trust a spiritual leader who cannot dance.

Why break boards, what did boards do to you?

Never regret anything, because at some point, it was exactly what you wanted.

Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza.

We are a nation of laws, poorly written and randomly enforced.

With reasonable men, I will reason; with humane men I will plead; but to tyrants I will give no quarter, nor waste arguments where they will certainly be lost.

I'm a dapper dan man!

Lets refract this sucker!

It ain't the heat, it's the humility.

I watch TV, it's the next best thing to being alive.

It is simple. The minute I heard the question, I instantly knew that the answer was a continued fraction. 'Which continued fraction?' I asked myself. Then the answer came to my mind.

Those who make peaceful protest impossible will make violent protest inevitable.

I'm no doctor, but you be exhibiting serious symptoms of illin'.

Mankind is divided into rich and poor, into property owners and exploited; and to abstract oneself from this fundamental division, and from the antagonism between poor and rich, means abstracting oneself from fundamental facts.

Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.

If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?

It's a fool who looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart.

It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Human inventions progress from the complex to the simple, and simplicity is always perfection.

The great unifying experience for adults worldwide, from which a great deal of empathy and mutual goodwill should flow, is the experience of swallowing dread and going to the hospital without complaining.